It aint about who got your back...its about how u bounce back

December 5, 2001 ..4 days after giving birth to my son I became homeless. I had NO one to go to because at that time my pride wouldn't allow me to ask for help. I walked for miles in the snow and bitter cold with 4 children to find shelter. We ended up at the women's shelter and let me tell u....there were so many women there running from bad relationships...and  I was running from myself, everyone around me and especially GOD!

I never in a million years thought I would ever be in a place where I didn't know anyone and thought I would be judged especially having 4 kids and NO place to go. Waking up everyday not knowing when a change was gonna come was hard...but the women's shelter is where I found faith.

A week after being there my son stopped breathing...He wasnt even 2 weeks old yet. The fear I had of losing my son was nothing I've ever experienced! Seeing his limp body, his blue lips,  and not being able to do anything but scream and cry put me in a State of mind where I didn't know what to do....I immediately started praying and asking God to help me, help my son...and he did just that. Although my son was hospitalized for a few days...i didnt care...he was doing well and thats all I prayed for.

We spent 77 days....yes 77 days...in a shelter. That's when I knew I had to do whatever possible to make sure my children and I ALWAYS had a place to live! I Thank God I've come a long way through faith and understanding. They say faith without works is DEAD!  I'm a true believer that just because the storm hangs around....u gotta hang on...because the moment you get ready to BREAKDOWN.... your BREAKTHROUGH is near!

So before you go around talking bad about how someone can't do this or that or how they may Strip,  sell snatch, work for minimum wage or even stand on the corner and hustle....remember that may be the only way they know how to SURVIVE...

So unless you're talking about how u can HELP someone....Don't say anything....Cause it just may come back on u even worse!!

Don't let one bad man ruin it!

I dedicate this blog to all the women who have been through something and can't seem to find that happiness!

I was once in your shoes! Waking up angry at the world..going to sleep next to the person who I know isn't for me but yet have that fear of being alone! Accepting all the bs he puts me through because years had been invested into the relationship..popping the lock codes on his phone so I can snoop through and see what female he been talking to behind my back...arguing..fighting..putting him out..taking him back..RINSE AND REPEAT! Yes I know that feeling all too well...I'm just glad I decided to CHANGE my environment and do what makes ME happy!

Ladies let me tell you there is NOTHING I mean absolutely NOTHING wrong with being by yourself! It gives you time to LOVE YOURSELF! If it's not working out in your relationship and u keep getting signs or catching your man...it's NOT your "woman intuition" it's GOD revealing to you that YO MAN AIN'T THE MAN FOR YOU! Honey chile it ain't nothing you can say to me that will move me to believe something different! I held on to a man for 11 yrs thinking the same way you're thinking! I go to sleep and wake up SMILING! Ya know why...because I have learned that all I EVER needed was the love of God! Once I learned to love HIM I learned to love myself! We as women put so much love into a man that we go blind to the facts and deaf to the truth! Don't you know you gotta let GOD make him a MAN before you can make him a husband? Do you know that the beauty you have on the outside becomes hidden because you have allowed this man to make you think no one else will want you? YOU have a power called "self love" that is untouchable...it's the kryptonite to every bad seed your man had planted within you! Girl you better get up get cute (even if you don't got nowhere to go) grab some self respect and keep it moving! LOVE is a powerful drug...and once it's used on yourself can't  NOBODY take that away! Ain't no sense in you finding all these EXCUSES on why you can't be by yourself....yea yea yea I hear you  saying "ain't no good men out here I might as well stay with the one I been with all this time" THE devil IS A LIE! There are some really good men....but you probably passed him up thinking he was "thirsty" oh and I hear you saying "well why u ain't got no man then" Girl if you knew better you'd do better...I don't have no man because I ain't LOOKING...it's called WAITING...oh trust me...my man is out there...he's being fixed up by GOD! Boom! Which is why I can sit back relax and enjoy my days! You should try it....happiness makes you look and feel younger....forgive that man that keeps hurting you....then you will have peace! I ain't gone tell you again....get up get cute and watch the reaction from yo "no good man" I bet y'all get to arguing because HE KNOWS YOU CAN GET A MAN WAY BETTER THAN HIM! I hope you find that self love and start showing it off....you're beautiful so why not show it?!!!

Can't make him love you

Thanking God for delivering me from evil! As I look at some of these ladies going through it in their relationships and WANTING things to go right or wanting to be loved the way they love their mate I think about how I once was IN THAT POSITION! Ladies you have to love YOURSELF first! All you're doing is keeping company that's not needed! If he's making you question his love for you it's probably because HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU OR HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU AT ALL!! If YOU don't respect yourself how can you expect HIM to respect you? I held on to a man for 11yrs cause I NEEDED to feel loved so bad....I was blind to the facts and DEAF TO THE TRUTH! I kept running back to him when all the while GOD was trying to show me I didn't NEED a man to feel loved!! Now I'm 2yrs man free and found true SELF love! I thank my ex for EVERYTHING he put me through because while he's been out my life I have learned how to respect myself love myself and most importantly LOVE GOD! If we put as much effort into ourselves as we do a broken relationship our lives would be much more PEACEFUL! So to all the ladies going through it in a relationship trust me when I say WHILE HE'S STEADY TEARING YOU DOWN...THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT'S GOING TO BUILD YOU UP!!! I pray you ALL seek your self worth so U can GRAB IT AND GO! You're all beautiful women....don't let ONE NIGGA mess things up for the GOOD MEN!

A mothers love pt 2

It's 4am and I'm up thinking bout my son and the challenges I face each day with him. I know my son needs and wants a male role model in his life because of the things he says or does. His sisters all have their fathers and that really hurts him. His father Danny Rodriguez from Gary Indiana) walked out on him when he was 2 Weeks old and it's like he's vanished into thin air. I would lay down my life just so my son could at least SEE the person who walked out on him so that he (my son) could form his own opinion of his father! Although Danny walked out...I've never called him anything other than His name to my son because I believe it's so wrong to try and dog the man that helped make the baby just cause he's no longer around. Fuck all that! The day my son meets his father will be the day HE chooses to want a relationship with him or not! Whatever my son chooses I'm with him 100% but I WON'T allow him to be disrespectful in his words if he chooses to say a few words and bounce! It's things like this that piss me off bout these females out here fkin like 40 going North, have kids then wanna keep em away from their father(s) THAT'S A BUNCHA SIDE BITCH BULLSHIT! It's ONLY hurting the kids! So what if he don't do SHIT for the kids...when you took that child home and he wasn't there with you YOU chose that day to become a single parent!! You had other options! Not saying it's cool for a man to dip out on what he helped create but damn what's constantly bashing him going to do but cause stress and headaches and possible resentment from your own kids!! If Danny walked up to my door right now hell yea I'd side eye his ass a few times but my heart would melt because my son will be able to put a face with a name THAT'S ALL I WANT! I don't want his damn money....I want him to meet his son and if he DON'T want to be in his life FINE! But he needs to at least give my son his moment! These folks have my son on this medicine and I'm like man it's more to it than that...the medicine he needs is called MALE BONDING! A mother knows...and I have done all I can do to track his father down...thousands of dollars spent trying to locate this fool and every time I THINK my search is over he's 10 steps ahead of me. Smh....no matter what though.. my son WILL rise above all this cause he has a mother who diligently prays for him! He will stumble but imma be right there doing all I can to make sure he's on the right track to success!! TRUST THAT!!

A man WILL change FOR the woman he loves

If you've ever wondered does true love really exist and can a person really change to be with the one they love...then the answer is YES!!!! This blog is based on a real life love story and I'm honored to have been part of this AMAZING journey! (I won't be using their names because you know how some ppl will read this and hate on REAL LOVE)

13 Yrs ago I wanted to take my friend out to have some fun. I told her we was going to a party in the Bend..she was very reluctant on going tho but I convinced her lol...When we got there I was to introduce her to this guy she saw him and was like uh no...then she asked me "Who is that fine dark dude" I'm like I have no idea! He walks over introduces himself to her and immediately they had a real good vibe! Eventually they started a relationship and right then I knew he was THE ONE! Like any relationship they had their problems...he was the party guy.. she was the workaholic...and she did NOT like the fact that he was a ladies man! After awhile she couldn't deal with all the constant partying and women every weekend, the phone calls etc.. .I used to tell her no matter what that MAN LOVES YOU and YOUR KIDS and one day HE WILL BE YOUR HUSBAND! She did not like that idea she was like oh heck no he won't he doing too much!! (Now don't get it twisted..her and her kids ALWAYS came first in his life) Finally she had enough of his BS and left! They stayed apart for 10 yrs. She began her walk with God and stayed faithful to God only and he was somewhere being him! Eventually they both ended up marrying and divorcing other ppl but through all that time I would ask her had she seen HIM or talked to him she said NO...I would tell her the smile you used to have was because of him. One day she was going through some things and I told her GO FIND HIM..he is the only man that completes you and makes you feel loved! Took her awhile but she found him...they immediately fell right back in love with each other and after all these years he decided to do whatever it took to keep her in his life FOR  GOOD! He stopped clubbing, drinking, smoking weed and GAVE HIS LIFE TO CHRIST! He is a walking testimony to how GOOD GOD TRULY IS! Through his faithfulness to God he was able to LEARN how to PROTECT,PROVIDE,COMMUNICATE AND TRULY LOVE her! Here they are today HAPPILY MARRIED for 4 years, own a home and he stepped right back into her kids life as if he never left!  I salute these two because you would've had to been there through this journey to see this love story unfold. They are prime examples of how a person can change in order to build a live that was once gone away!

If you truly love someone YOU have the power to keep them!! See the enemy KNEW this was a LOVE FROM GOD so he tore it apart...but what the devil meant for bad God meant for good! Them departing was a good thing because it allowed God to PREPARE AND CONDITION the both of them for a successful marriage!!!!!

I'm thankful to have been part of such an amazing journey with them because it showed me ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WHEN YOU LET GOD DO HIS JOB and A MAN CAN CHANGE FOR THE WOMAN HE LOVES!!!!!

My laughter masks my pain

It's so true when they say "An idle mind is the devils workshop" Yesterday I was an emotional wreck! I had suicidal thoughts because I felt like everything I'm doing to try and make a better life for me and my kids is not working. Yes I laugh and joke with lots of ppl online because that's my outlet to making someone else have a good day because I might be going through something. My laughter masks my pain....the pain of not knowing when someone is going to call to say we have a job for you or the pain of not knowing how to keep my utilities from being shut off! I told my oldest daughter the thoughts I was having because I knew she could make me understand things a Lil clearer when it comes to "Living right" She told me "Mom it hurts to hear you say these things but the battle is not yours it's the Lords and just because you don't think he's listening to you...he is...everything is going to be ok" THAT right there gave me more hope than I ever had in my life to keep going! The thought of knowing that I raised my children to trust God even when I think I can't go on makes me more proud of who I am! See just because you see a person always laughing and smiling and trying to encourage others doesn't mean they don't need that same thing from others. I don't club, hang out, drink or fornicate and I'm fine with that as long as my kids are here with me that's all that matters to me. The only time someone calls me is to see if I can do something for THEM! No one calls to check and see if I need anything! I have always had a very big heart and saying no is really hard for me when it comes to helping others but I want ppl to understand ME AND MY KIDS ARE OVER HERE LIVING OFF A HOPE AND A PRAYER please be considerate of that! I have put all my trust in God that he's going to see us out this storm. I hold on to the faith that I have knowing things will get better and I cry at night to have a better morning! So ya see it's NOT always happy land over here.....I go through real life issues too....if I told y'all some of the things me and my kids have had to do to survive without money y'all would be thanking God EVERYDAY for your job or your car or the fact you can go buy things needed for your household.....that's why I just Smh at some of y'all COMPLAINTS cause I don't think you really know what struggling is until you hit rock bottom with your kids like I have! So keep ya fake daps hugs and hellos.....from today on I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE PLEASE DON'T ASK ME FOR ANYTHING cause truthfully I'm taking from what we barely have already! I love you Nisha Nay Kira Zay Charlene Bre Zontrae Utavia and Trelin!! If it's not about helping one of these kids....then don't ask me to take from them to help YOU!

When children have to care for their mother or father

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you had to care for your parents or your children may have to care for you because of a sudden illness? Many people are making that sacrifice to take of their parents because they may have become ill and can't do the things they used to do. It's only right for a child to make sure his/her parents gets the home care they deserve because they cared for you growing up!  When I found out my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer I can't explain the feeling I had. As bad as I HATED sitting with her through chemo....I did it! I would look around and see so many ppl my age or maybe older sitting with their mothers and fathers as they went through the chemo process! That had to be the hardest 4hrs a day throughout life itself! Then the after affects make you not even want to be around your mom or dad because it's like they are so down or tired all the time! I was glad when they said she was cancer free at her last appointment cause I don't know if I could handle watching my mom suffer! There shouldn't be a soul on this earth that wouldn't want to care for the person that cared for them their entire life! My mother and I have never had the mother daughter relationship like alot of others that I see....but you better believe if anything ever happened to that lady I can't say what it would do to me...and if you are a parent who's children have to look after you...make sure they know how much you appreciate them being there for you...it will help them to be respectful towards others and also keep YOU out of a nursing home later in life!! Lol!! So if you still have a mother or father that's able to talk... start calling him/her... ask them do they need anything or just call and simply say "thank you ma" cause we are only born with 1 set of parents!! #Salute

Why.......

Why do ppl sit up and look for bad things to happen to other ppl? Why can't ppl mind their own business? Why can't ppl be real enough to say they don't like you? Why are ppl still crying over things that don't concern them? Why did Facebook allow miserable folks access? Why can't those who really not about that life just say it? Why the main ones who post the most money don't got no crib? Why are females still fighting in the club? Why are single ppl looked down upon? Why won't these chicks spend time with they kids? Why are you still turning up after 30? Why are black men still called dogs? Why do most married ppl stop talking to the friends they once had? Why is there so much beef amongst individuals? Why do ppl try to hurt the ones that love them? Why are dudes still sagging their pants? Why do ppl say I don't like him/her but have no valid reason? Why are ppl who have a job working fast food getting laughed at? Why these kids having babies so young? Why is texting the new form of communication? Why are jails so full and colleges so empty? Why do ppl try and break up happy homes? Why do ppl assume friends of the opposite sex are sleeping together? Why is giving brains more important than actually using one? Why is gas at an all time high? Why are the clubs so full but parent teacher conferences are empty? Why does not going to church make you a bad person? Why are so many young black men dying? Why are friendships being torn apart over relationships? Why am I asking all these questions? BECAUSE Y'ALL OVERLOOKING THE REAL PROBLEMS!!!

Tomorrow isn't promised

What would you do if you woke up and found your kids lifeless??

Death is a part of life and there are ppl who think they live in a bubble! So I'm scrolling through Facebook and see the same ppl doing the same things! When will ppl get tired of getting drunk, being a booty call, being a so called gang banger, fighting, arguing, clubbing, getting high, having kids with no stability or finances to take care of them? What time can you actually say you spend with your children? What memories can your children tell their children about their childhood? So many ppl are dying around us and so many ppl are not caring about anything other than the nightlife! We were all put here for a reason! God has a plan for each of our lives...but are we following his path? When I leave this earth I want to be able to go knowing I did what I was called to do! I don't want ppl to remember me by being someone who they saw in the club EVERY WEEKEND or a mother who put her kids last! I wanna leave here knowing that each day I put a smile on someone's face or gave them an encouraging word! Time is ticking and the only person stopping us from doing what we need to do is OURSELVES! I thank God everyday my eyes open and my limbs work...I might get mad at certain things but I'm learning to overlook alot of things! Everyday I ask MYSELF what can I do different to make a better tomorrow...my answer NO COMPLAINTS! I try to spend most of my time with my kids because I want them to have memories of their mother being there for them!! I don't want my kids saying my mom always going out...oh no...I want them to actually MISS me when I depart from this world!!! Kids are a blessing from God and I want to treat them as the blessing they are to show my appreciation to God for TRUSTING and LOVING me enough to know I CAN HANDLE IT! CAN YOU???

You're only hurting the child

This might make some ppl suck they teeth or turn they lips up but guess what THAT'S WHAT THE TRUTH DOES! I have a very big problem with women who have kids by men who actually WANT to be in their Childs life. Why do these women feel like they can use that child as a pawn to get what they want from the father? I'm gone tell you why CAUSE THEY BITTER...that man ain't trying to be with her no more and moved on. This is where the BM DRAMA comes in....she wanna tell him he can't see his child because she don't want her baby around the new woman or whatever....well I'm here to say GET OVER IT! I am a stepmother to 9 children and I have NEVER treated then any different from my own children! Although I'm not with ANY of their fathers I am still very supportive of everything they all do. My kids fathers don't deal with NO BS from me cause 1 it causes stress to me 2 my kids are allowed to form their OWN opinions of them and 3 I don't bash my bds AT ALL! I laid down with them and at that time they was ALL THAT so what I look like ruining around saying oh he ain't ish or tell my kids fk him....nah I did the MATURE thing and decided if I'm going to be a single mom I would raise my kids to where their fathers would be period to have a child with me. I have seen so much drama from bms it's ridiculous! Then the same ones yelling oh he ain't ish be still laying up with him.....it shouldn't have to take a man that wants to be a part of his Childs life to have to go through the motions with his unstable Babymama! Let these men see they kids! So what if he don't got money to support them financially TIME is way more important than MONEY...you can't create memories with MONEY! Re evaluate yourself and ask WHY ARE U ACTING LIKE AN IMBECILE! My father DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME FINANCIALLY but I wish he was here cause our phone conversations meant so much to me. My stepfather (Dennis Norman) raised me and as I got older I realized he had WAY MORE BIOLOGICAL kids besides my Lil brother! Yes I do call Pookie and Anthony my brothers and Jjuane my Lil sister....no I don't know the situation with why or if he wasn't part of their lives like he was for me and my brothers. But one thing I will say IF IT WAS DRAMA BETWEEN MY MOM AND THEIR MOMS I DIDN'T KNOW OF IT! I respect my stepdad still to this day for stepping up and taking care of kids that wasn't his and I respect my father for letting him! I didn't find out until I was about 12 that Dennis wasn't my biological father.....never changed a thing tho! He is the reason I adore my stepkids....STOP PUTTING BAD THOUGHTS INTO THESE KIDS MIND about their fathers! Allow him to come around and BE a father! U didn't make the kids on your own so let these fathers be there! Your child will only grow up resenting you for keeping their father away! I guess this is why I don't have drama with any of mines cause ion be worried bout what they CAN'T do....I value what they CAN! I can only tell you how it's not affecting you....it's affecting those children.....stop acting a fool and let them kids be around the other part of their family!! I lost my damn train of thought now....so I gotta close this blog out....but let me say this YOU WASN'T TRIPPING WHEN HE WAS DICKIN U DOWN FROM THE FRONT BACK LEFT AND RIGHT!!!

The tongue has the power of life and death

We all do it...we all speak things that we shouldn't...negative things! This blog will hopefully be one of my most powerful blogs to my readers because I'm writing this during my fast! By the time it's introduced to my readers my fast will be over.

I am fasting for more strength to press forward, for God to take all the negativity I feel or think out of me, guidance and just overflow my faith and perseverance! I am also dedicating my fast for 2 friends who need situations turned around! So during this I decided to condition my mind on areas that I need to improve on which my biggest thing is speaking things into existence. We all speak negative things without thinking about what we are saying...I read this book called "Deliver me from speaking negatively" and it's VERY GOOD! It talked about how we plant a seed and what we plant manifests in our lives. This is true! How many times have you said "I'm broke" or "I'm getting sick" those are seeds! So instead of saying "I'm broke" what needs to be said is "God is the supplier of all my needs..God will supply me with everything I need according to his riches in glory" see now we have planted a positive seed that will produce a positive manifestation! Just like the getting sick....don't speak it into existence  .instead say "Sickness I resist you in the name of Jesus and by his stripes I am healed and made whole" What you speak is what will become. You have to have faith in your life! But don't get it twisted...some ppl have faith but still worry....FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD! I don't worry about ANYTHING! Prime example...I got a gas Bill the other day in the amount of 514.00...now I'm pretty sure most ppl will panic seeing that...nope I didn't I threw it to the end of the couch and said "Jesus paid it all" I spoke what I saw! The Bible tells us "Call forth those that be not as if it were" I'm learning to speak things into existence. Just because it doesn't happen right then...trust God that he is already preparing the seed you sowed! This is where your faith comes into play! Stand on it and don't move from it! The enemy will try to come in and say things to make you doubt the work of God! The enemy puts fear in you...that fear produces doubt...and doubt kills your faith! But I learned a formula from reading the book I mentioned and that's  MEDITATION +DECLARATION = MANIFESTATION...what u THINK and what you SPEAK ...is what will BECOME! So we need to start speaking the life we want INTO EXISTENCE! If it's financially SPEAK FINANCES...if it's marriage....SPEAK MARRIAGE...if it's employment...SPEAK EMPLOYMENT! God WILL bless you! When people speak negative over you remember NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER! So either say nothing or use the weapon of God's WORD! I am also practicing what I'm preaching....I truly believe in myself that I will be a better person and do what God is calling me to do! I really do believe in all the readers as well. I do know there are some readers who remain anonymous because they are scared of what people might say about them if they try to change! DON'T LET NOBODY KEEP YOU FROM YOUR BLESSINGS!!! Get your blessings because God loves you for having a heart of WANTING to do what he calls you to do! THESE STREETS AIN'T IT NO MORE! Different actions produce different results...and I am working to do things different! So as I close this blog out I just want to say I pray that you all be blessed abundantly and know that the devil has no room to shake a child of God!! Remember the tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat it's fruit...What u put out is what you will take in!!!!

I'd rather struggle than get a welfare check

Let me explain to those that swear they know but they really don't....through my blogs u can see that my life hasn't always been easy. I haven't always had the finer things in life...am I complaining NO....when I laid down and decided to bring 4 lives into this world I made a decision to put their needs FIRST! I have never been the type to try and keep up with the latest trends or whatever. If I don't got it I don't got it call me whatever you want but when it comes to bills and my kids I'd rather do without! Let me explain something the last time I bought myself a pair sneakers was 2009 the last time I actually sat in a salon was 2012 the last time I bought some heels was my birthday last year (and they were not new) everything I have in my house is goodwill bought....my cell phone was bought in 2011....last time I purchased (meaning owned) a car was 2009 (broke down in 2011/12)...so before u go around saying what I DON'T HAVE please understand MY KIDS GO WITHOUT! Hell yea I shop at Walmart or goodwill for my youngest kids...my older ones have hustles to provide themselves with "the latest fashions" one does hair...the other one works....I do all I can to see that my kids ain't looking crazy....my bills paid and my kids are straight...I can worry bout me later! I wish I would be seen in a club or out spending money knowing a Bill needs to be paid or my kids have activity fees that need met! Miss me with all that! Yep I'm a boring person....nope ion go nowhere....yep I be looking a hot ass mess...and if I do look decent it's cause my daughter did my hair and Nisha let me borrow her shirt....yep say what you want about me but guess what MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER!! So just know that when I get to the point that I'm actually "LIVING IT UP" I still won't be blowing money....cause long as I got 4 kids u better believe THEY GONE COME UP BEFORE I DO!! So instead of criticizing....understand I do this cause I chose to struggle rather than have these TAXPAYERS take care of me and mine!!! Some ppl get that Lil check and don't use it for anything but the club hair nails and a tired dude that got another chick!! So imma end this blog with this......I don't watch nobody else plate but my kids....cause I will be damned if they starve!!!

Forgiving isn't always easy

Man imma try not to cry while writing this because I have so much to be thankful for!

It's been a situation (well 2) that has been eating away at me for quite awhile and I hope this reaches the right person! I was a dear friend to you and you stabbed me in the back in the worst possible way....not once but twice! I really have been praying on these situations and I really did think I forgave you but something deep inside me still doesn't feel like I have! There was NOTHING I wouldn't do for you and u left a very loyal friend hanging on a wing and a prayer! I could have betrayed you so many times.. even NOW I could but the person I am won't allow me to do it! See you do things without thinking how it will affect people because you're so busy thinking about yourself when had I known I would be going through everything I'm going through now I woulda just left you hanging and struggling trying to come up! BUT THE FRIEND IN ME DIDN'T DO THAT! I can't believe the rumor u put out there about me...that's what hurts the most because you know that shit is so untrue! See me I could tell ALL YOUR BUSINESS but for what? What's that going to do besides put me in a category with the rest of ppl who get mad and then wanna expose!? Nah Shorty it ain't in my blood to do that.....I was woman enough to come to you but u got mfs out here thinking some whole other shit about FALSE TRUTHS! It's a shame that I have let this shit go on this long! You can't even be woman enough to call me and apologize about ANYTHING! That's because YOU NEVER GAVE A FUCK! I truly deeply sincerely forgive you....but it just doesn't feel like I am doing it right! I swear with everything in me I have asked the good Lord to help me...so why doesn't it feel like the forgiveness is helping! Why do I feel like I hate you when I know I don't? Why do I feel like I did something wrong when I know I didn't? Forgiving you was harder than forgiving the man I let tear me down....but u....I trusted you....if u needed it I had it for u or I damn sure made a way to get it for u without expecting anything back because THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO! Now you prancing around town having a damn good time....well u wanna know what I been doing since you stopped speaking because now u found "love"....I been fighting to keep a roof over my kids head...I been in this house paying disconnect after disconnect notices because I have other obligations that I've fallen behind on because I thought I could do this on my own! I CAN'T! Jobs are turning me away....I damn near lost my gun permit and it's other shit that I won't even speak on because it's too much! Oh I hope u had an awesome Christmas too....cause u know what...my kids didn't get to enjoy it this year! So I pray u read this and understand the shit I been dealing with while u were out TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME AND LYING! I could destroy your whole damn life with THE TRUTH but you know me so well u know that imma dust this off....keep my head high....and forever keep my grass cut low because forgiveness isn't easy at all! I pray you be blessed because this didn't kill me it only made me STRONGER!!!

(I know I cussed while using holy words but y'all gone have to pray for me)

For the love of my kids

I have to dedicate this blog to my babies Zanisha Zanae Zakira &Za'vion because they are my motivation to never give up!!

Y'all think I'm crazy lol...man my kids are so hilariously funny. They always give me a really good show! I'm glad that God blessed me with these 4 beautiful children because I really don't know what my life would be like without them! From the arguing between Nay Nay and Zay everyday down to Nisha forever asking Kira to cook her something....my day is NEVER dull! I am very proud of all of them...they get very good grades, they love church and they will bust out singing a gospel song before a rap song! My sons favorite gospel song must be "I won't complain" because he sings it EVERYDAY! It makes my heart skip cause I didn't think he knew the words to that song lol! Now Nisha she's the cheerleader....we have to hear her cheer everyday all day and even make her sisters do stunts! She said they "WILL" be cheerleaders because she said so! Lol alrighty then! Ok so Nay Nay she's the singer....oh that child got some vocals on her....sometimes I give her that look like girl if u don't shut up cause she will wreck ya nerves some days lol but I do enjoy to hear her use the gift God gave her!! Now Kira.....oooh she used to be so innocent....ooh that chile acts just like her Markham family....Good gawd her attitude is a hot mess...I don't know what her daddy did while she was with him for the summer but he created a monster lol! She has plans on being a chef! She's a really good cook...she will fry some fish that will make u smack yo mommas momma!! Real talk! But we have alot of fun....especially now that they are older and Nisha is about to be on her own. I spend more time with my kids than anything. They are my world...I love then with everything in me! They really made me proud this past Christmas when they woke up and said mom it's ok that you couldn't get us nothing long as we got a roof over our head and lights gas and water...we got a Christmas! That really touched my heart cause they know I will go to the ends of the earth to get them what they NEED because their grades earn them their WANTS! I love them....I can't express that enough....I'm glad we have a great relationship with each other and no matter the situation I ALWAYS yell at them first then we talk about it later! Lol! Some days they will try and act like we friends but they know ion be playing all the time! But overall I love my family they complete me...and this is why I guess I'm not pressed about having a man because my kids need to be ready for that and I want then to remain happy! They are the reason I don't give up on trying to get out this struggle! Once I make it out everything will be a whole lot better for us....I may not have a damn thing....but I got ALL MY KIDS and that's enough riches for me!!!

So to my kids....no matter where u go in life just know that I support you 100% even with your decisions that may make me raise my brow because it's your life... I can only hope I did my job as a great mother to see u all make very good choices in your lives!! I love y'all!!!

EVERYBODY IS A SINNER THAT SINS DIFFERENTLY FROM OTHERS

This blog may make some people mad but I am only coming with MY TRUTH....I am a very spiritual person..I believe in The father the spirit and the holy ghost...I do believe Jesus died for us to live! There are many people in my shoes who has a heart that beats for the love of God but because we haven't gotten our lives in order the way God wants us to...we are constantly ridiculed, called hypocrites and look down upon. Let me say this "He without sin cast the first stone" Every holy person who walks the walk or even talks the talk STILL SIN in some way shape or form..whether it be BUYING FOOD STAMPS, FINDING SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO BUY THEM, FINDING AN ITEM AT THE STORE KNOWING IT'S NOT THE PRICE YOU TOLD THE CASHIER, JUDGING OTHERS, TELLING PPL WHAT GOD DON'T LIKE,INTERFERING IN OTHER PPL RELATIONSHIP, ARGUING, BACKBITING, SMOKING, DRINKING, GAMBLING,SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK, GOSSIPING and the list goes on...I get so tired of hearing "That's not the godly way" I know that what I do isn't always pleasing to God which is why I am TRYING to change for the better! Change is VERY hard for us that don't know the right direction. I'm constantly asking God to guide me and I must say he has brought me from a MIGHTY LONG WAY! It's the folks that are suppose to be living right that seem to try and be the ones that change the sinner! IT'S NOT THEIR JOB it's GODS JOB! As long as I have the love I have for him and I stand on my faith THERE IS NOTHING MAN CAN TELL ME about my walk with God!! Sometimes folks like myself don't want to go to church every Sunday especially if the church doesn't give me that push to keep coming back!! I'd rather sit home get my understanding of how I'm suppose to be out my own Bible on my own time! I pray everyday and I am forever thanking God for all he's done for me! Instead of the "Saved" folks pushing us away from our journey...how bout holding our hand and keeping us encouraged!! As long as God knows my heart that's all I want! I was raised by a very big praying family so I know what to do....sometimes I backslide but God knows I will finally get myself together. So before one throws stones at my life pray for me first and PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR HOUSE WON'T SHATTER IF I THROW THEM BACK because EVERYBODY IS A SINNER WE JUST SIN DIFFERENTLY!!!!

Some females have no morals

I don't see how females do it! How can you meet a man and just automatically start bringing him in your house around your kids?!? That's so disrespectful ESPECIALLY if you have daughters! I tell a dude up front....oh no you can't come to my crib my kids home....or if they do they gotta stay outside and I will come out! These chicks meet a dude, go out with him for a few days and BAM he her kids new stepdaddy! Smdh.... dude I was fkin with NEVER met mine...FUCK THAT! It ain't that damn serious to have a damn man laid up under you and around yo damn kids like you been knowing him for years!! Even dudes I just talk to ain't allowed to know mine but it's like some of these dudes don't even care or have respect cause they be like shid what time they go to bed.....smdh....I feel like any woman who constantly change men is only sending her children the wrong signal! Whether she's just sexing him or in a relationship with him....it's so wrong and it shows you have no morals or respect for yourself!!! Them be the same dumb ass chicks that "take care of they dude" rather than their kids or bills.....but the same way you get em is the same way ya lose em....MY KIDS ARE TOO PRECIOUS FOR ME TO INTRODUCE THEM TO ANYBODY WHO AIN'T SLIDING A RING ON MY FINGER! *Not Happening*

Are you a damn good woman?

I see it all the time and also have been the victim of being A DAMN GOOD WOMAN....I don't understand how a man can disrespect the leading lady in his life to the point where she feels she needs to keep validating his actions! I used to be that woman as well...you know the one that he hurt because it made him feel good about himself, the one he would tear down just to build himself up you know the one who loved him inside and out!! Ladies we need to be and do better as women! We don't need a man to validate anything in our lives! The way we build him up we need to build ourselves! We need to break that fear of holding onto longevity and everything we put into the relationship and start learning to be HAPPY ALONE! Once we give a man POWER to control our mind and our emotions we give up our self love, respect and understanding of what it actually means to BE a good woman! We need to stop allowing these men to treat us as if THEY ARE WHO WE WORSHIP! This is the problem in society today....some of these men are inspired by what they see on TV or how they see their other friends treat their woman and they start to incorporate that type of lifestyle into the relationship they have at home! Which brings up the term "ALL MEN ARE DOGS" or "AIN'T NO GOOD MEN OUT HERE" I disagree with that....there are good GOD FEARING men out here and you will know them by the way they do things...how they were raised....it's in their talk...their walk EVERYTHING about him will scream GOOD MAN! But we be too busy trying to fix WHAT'S ALREADY BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR and letting that "GOOD MAN" stand by and watch! Once a man makes your SOUL BLEED and cry out...the relationship is way past over! Things will only get worse! So until you remove yourself from a man who belittles you, disrespects you, disrespects your role in his life YOU WILL CONTINUE TO BE TREATED LIKE A "DOG HE TRAINED"..But always forgive him it's the only way you will be able to pick yourself up and move forward!! A good woman knows her worth and if that means spending years by herself in order for a good man to find and appreciate her.....then so be it!! DO YOU KNOW YOUR WORTH?