My laughter masks my pain

It's so true when they say "An idle mind is the devils workshop" Yesterday I was an emotional wreck! I had suicidal thoughts because I felt like everything I'm doing to try and make a better life for me and my kids is not working. Yes I laugh and joke with lots of ppl online because that's my outlet to making someone else have a good day because I might be going through something. My laughter masks my pain....the pain of not knowing when someone is going to call to say we have a job for you or the pain of not knowing how to keep my utilities from being shut off! I told my oldest daughter the thoughts I was having because I knew she could make me understand things a Lil clearer when it comes to "Living right" She told me "Mom it hurts to hear you say these things but the battle is not yours it's the Lords and just because you don't think he's listening to you...he is...everything is going to be ok" THAT right there gave me more hope than I ever had in my life to keep going! The thought of knowing that I raised my children to trust God even when I think I can't go on makes me more proud of who I am! See just because you see a person always laughing and smiling and trying to encourage others doesn't mean they don't need that same thing from others. I don't club, hang out, drink or fornicate and I'm fine with that as long as my kids are here with me that's all that matters to me. The only time someone calls me is to see if I can do something for THEM! No one calls to check and see if I need anything! I have always had a very big heart and saying no is really hard for me when it comes to helping others but I want ppl to understand ME AND MY KIDS ARE OVER HERE LIVING OFF A HOPE AND A PRAYER please be considerate of that! I have put all my trust in God that he's going to see us out this storm. I hold on to the faith that I have knowing things will get better and I cry at night to have a better morning! So ya see it's NOT always happy land over here.....I go through real life issues too....if I told y'all some of the things me and my kids have had to do to survive without money y'all would be thanking God EVERYDAY for your job or your car or the fact you can go buy things needed for your household.....that's why I just Smh at some of y'all COMPLAINTS cause I don't think you really know what struggling is until you hit rock bottom with your kids like I have! So keep ya fake daps hugs and hellos.....from today on I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE PLEASE DON'T ASK ME FOR ANYTHING cause truthfully I'm taking from what we barely have already! I love you Nisha Nay Kira Zay Charlene Bre Zontrae Utavia and Trelin!! If it's not about helping one of these kids....then don't ask me to take from them to help YOU!